For myself, so much of depression is feeling a sense of emptiness, as if there is a literal void inside of me. I picture it as a dark space that is so black it sucks in any light that tries to reach inside and turns that light to nothing. Depression isnt always about actually feeling certain emotions, like sadness for example. Sometimes it is lacking the emotions, lacking the ability to care, to give a damn, that is what really becomes a struggle.
I have been working with my therapist on different ideas to cope with depression. One of the main ones is exercise. This isnt a new idea for anyone that is struggling. It is well known that exercise increases endorphins and makes body and mind feel better. However, this kind of backfired for me. I walked almost everyday for 3 weeks for about 30 minutes at a time, but on the end of the third week I broke my ankle! I was dumbfounded, I mean who breaks their ankle by simply walking and tripping over their own feet? Me, this girl. Now its months later and I’m mostly healed, so I’m doing yoga. Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube. I’m enjoying it, but seriously, I’m waiting to see how I’m going to break something else.
I also began doing a gratitude journal. I love journaling and I keep one by me at all times so this isnt a stretch. What I do is when I am feeling down, or bored or lonely, I write down 5 things I’m grateful for. But the rule is that they have to be different things each time. I cant just say the same 5 things over and over. And, surprisingly, this can be hard sometimes. I really have to think about new things and what I appreciate. But, honestly, it works great for getting my head to start thinking in a more positive way, or at least stop the negative thought processes that hound me sometimes.
Today I’m doing pretty well. I’m feeling content with where I’m at right now. At least at this exact moment. Now, an hour from now, I could be feeling completely different. I’m hoping not, though.
Some days are just hard. Some days everything seems so much more difficult than it should. Common chores are just too much and unwanted distractions and interruptions seem like personal attacks on me.
I really thought I was getting out of that depression slump I’ve been in. I thought things were getting better and they were. My mood was improved and those little daily annoyances were easier to handle. However, the past two days my level of aggravation and depression has been escalating. Honestly, its been escalating quite rapidly. And that makes me feel bad for the people who love and support me because I’m just not fun to be around at these times.
I don’t know if the families and support systems of people living with bipolar, depression or any mood disorder understands the guilt that goes along with it. I feel so much guilt for not being always so happy and serene and easy to get along with. I also feel deep, deep remorseful shame for the times I lash out. And honestly, I don’t know how to apologize anymore. What do simple words like, “I’m sorry” mean when I cannot promise that I will never be in such an aggravated state again? Its not enough.
I know this is an overused metaphor, but I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I’m going up and up and I finally reach the top but only to plummet again.
I hope anyone else who is going through this has some good ways to cope. I read and sometimes do guided meditation. However, I have to sometimes force myself to even try.
Well, I’m trying today. Just one second at a time.
It is the beginning of the twentieth century and the world is changing, and so is the life of our heroine, January Scaller.
At the age of seven, January finds a door. For a small moment, she has a life changing experience in which this simple door becomes a portal to another world. January may not know it yet, but this is the beginning of her whole world changing. She tries her hardest to be “the good girl” and fit in to her proper surroundings but she had always been an “in between thing” and eventually, she embraces that part of herself.
Join January on a beautiful and magical adventure. This debut novel has just as much gorgeous fantasy storytelling as it does real world commentary that I believe, is good for all of us to hear.
I reread The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern around Christmas, and once again it just blew me away. Then I (Finally) had THIS book in my hands. Hello, The Starless Sea, I have been waiting on you sense 2011. And I was not let down!
The magic is back, this lyrical prose that Morgenstern uses in her storytelling overpowered me again and left me weak for more. I want more of her beautiful words. These images she creates are majestic and so enthralling that I really felt this book was describing one of my dreamscapes.
This is a book about books. About seeking and about finding. Join Zachary Ezra Rawlins as he leaves the safety of school and libraries, to travel into Manhattan and begin to live out his own personal story. There are many doors to be opened in life, and there are some to close forever. But Zachary Ezra Rawlins is in good company (especially the cats and cocoa and cupcakes).
I did not want this book to end. Which is sadly rare for me. Please, Erin Morgenstern, do not make me wait so long for another taste. Your writing creates poetic pictures that inspire me to really see the world around me, so I can maybe… Just maybe, catch glimpses of magic.
So, yeah, I made it to therapy on Thursday, January 9, 2020. I made it. However, I did not shower before I left my house and honestly, I wasn’t sure that I was even going to leave my house until I was in my car pulling out of the driveway.
A small step leads to another small step which leads to big leaps. A friend told me that. I may not have showered and dressed nicely for therapy but I did clean up and put on fresh clothes. “Got dressed today: check!” My therapist is amazing and she doesn’t judge me for this. She agrees that when my depression is so so bad, like it is now, that just leaving the house and getting to therapy is amazing.
I told her, my therapist, that next week I’m expecting her to pay me for coming. Definitely joking, but I feel like anyone going through such severe depression for any reason should get awards for any and all small accomplishments. For example, I put my coffee mug in the dishwasher and that really took effort! I know that’s terrible to admit, but geez, the dishes do not matter to me at all right now. My priority at this moment is to just simply get through today.
So, I’m saying to anyone who may also be going through depression for any reason… “A small step will lead to another small step, which will lead to big leaps.” If your just going to stay in bed today, try doing some stretches and drink some water. These little things can help your body feel better. And if your tackling anything outside of your den of safety, you’ll be okay. It will be okay.
Some things I have learned while reading this series: Do not bargain lightly. Always look deeper than first appearances. And, trust your heart.
Feyre is such a dynamic character. She turns into a completely new person by the end of this series. The scared girl who was willing to settle for a life of quiet and safety is no more. She makes her own choices now and she chooses to love her mate unconditionally while still having her own control over her life, her independence.
Wow, this book was a great ending to a great series. I went through every emotion possible by the end of ACOWAR. Maas did not hold back at all. This author can make me feel exactly what the characters are feeling, even if that means I have to pretend my eyes are watering really bad because I’m reading this book around other people. (I swear, y’all, something got in my eye!)
If you haven’t read this series, I say… READ IT NOW!! I am not going into detail about what happened in the books because its better if you find out on your own. All I will say is that it is full to brimming with serious magic and a one of a kind love story that had my heart racing many a time!
It started in a snowy forest. Feyre, a 19 year old girl who hunts to keep her handicapped father and two sisters Fed, finds herself taking down a white wolf and a deer. She is able to use the deer meat to feed her family, while selling the pelts. However, there is way more to this than a simple kill.
That night, Feyre’s door is broken down and she faces off the lion like horned beast that not only stands on its hind legs but speaks to her demanding justice for the wolf she killed, another faerie shape shifter. Faeries are not known to the humans on this side of the continent for their kindness. No, instead they are known as being cruel creatures of terror. But when Feyre is given the choice between death or life in their land to make up for the faerie she killed, she chooses to go and this choice changes her forever .
This story is full to bursting with a staggering love. A love so important, so unexpected, that I couldn’t help feeling overwhelmed in a good way. This tale is about acceptance, not just forming opinions on what others believe but on realizing that those others and their opinions could be wrong. Feyre learns to see beyond the mask,see beyond a lifetime of untruths and decide for herself what is right.
I can only say that I waited too long to read this series and I am hooked! If you haven’t picked it up yet, I highly recommend giving it a try. I can almost promise you won’t regret it!